What I learnt from my year 2012

I hope this New Year to come, at one point you will be uncertain and anxious about your life. Because when you get out of your comfort zone, when you have no other option than to be fearless, you take chances for getting something more, for transcending something bigger, and this is what I wish you for upcoming 2013!

If you consider my wishes to be odd or not generous, I explain you how I came to this, but firstly let me begin with a note that 2012 meant to be my year, simply because I was born in 1988 – the year of the Dragon in the Chinese calendar – and the year 2012 is/was the year of the Dragon as well. People use to believe that these kinds of things matter, so I do. And looking behind I can clearly see now – my year 2012 was one of the biggest lessons I took in my life, so I tell you 3 stories from my year.

My first story is about life and dead. In July 2012 the most expected baby was born – my parents’ first grandchild – my sister’s lovely daughter. The same day late at night my sweet granny has passed away in the neighboring hospital. My family decided to hide this from my sister… So a sunny day at the afternoon I was sitting next to my “sleeping” granny in the church, trying to clear up my mind for “letting her go” with my prayer… Later on at the evening I visited my sister, trying to clear up my mind for being happy aunt. I failed both, because of missing simple notion to understand… But really, what’s the life constitutes for? What’s the line between life and dead? And while it is so hard to breathe sometimes within the endless contradictions of life, I was told to “behave myself” and I kept busy with my endless working hours, where there was no time to think about myself, but just to follow the eventuality of acting upon the runway of life.

In August 2012 I moved to Budapest with anxieties about my new life as a student and with the hope that I leaved behind all the unsolved and complicated… I was mistaken! I couldn’t sleep for almost a week when I moved to my new apartment in September. I was afraid to close my eyes and I kept them open, because I had a fear of dark, a fear of silence, I fear of being alone, a fear on unknown, a fear of… At the very first day in the night I woke up from a very unpleasant odor in the flat. I covered with a towel the lamp next to my bed to keep the light slight, so it was burning. I emailed the owner of the flat next morning; I said come and charge me. She said, don’t worry, I’ll bring you a new lamp…

Eventually I went back to my “runway” – I kept myself busy with my studies and my job, reading until morning and having short naps in between. I exhausted myself! Two months later I got seriously ill and in fever and 0 passion to ask for a help from anyone, including my family, I took a pill, switched off the light for the first time, prayed and fell asleep…

The fear of darkness is a very basic human instinct which stands for the fear of oneself. And if some of us were afraid of a closet in the childhood, we never acknowledged that human body is a closet itself. Just imagine your body, imagine you looking from inside, your organs, your vessels… We hide ourselves in own bodily closet, we hide our belongings, our memories; and we choose our social attire when we perform for the world… And while we are afraid of losing our socially constructed lives – position, respect… you can just filled this list – we run a risk of losing ourselves.

…when I was sleeping that night, I had a feeling that something is tapping inside; something is thrilling my own closet. And when it exploded, I could feel the light… And I bought flowers for the kitchen table next week, I cooked a dinner, I emailed the owner of the flat saying that I don’t need a new lamp and I want her to bring back the one we “lived through” together. I also set down and talked to myself listening to my heart. And I “grow” fearless…

My second story is about choices. In January 2012I received the job offer of my dream and in February 2012 I got accepted to my dreamed Berkeley Journalism School at the master program for 2012-2014 – in addition to offers from two other graduate schools – University College London and Central European University. I was happy! I knew I deserved it and I worked hard for my modest achievements. But because I couldn’t negotiate for keeping the job offer for two years, I didn’t accept it and I choose to upgrade myself in my dreamed Berkeley. In spring when the preparation processes started I paid a deposit to CEU to keep it as my back up plan. Now I’m in CEU.

Sometime in the past I believed that life constitutes from a single decision to success. So the success arrives with the ability to make right choice in good time in good place once in lifetime. And once we get in there, the life becomes the negotiation on keeping the status. And how many times I would fail to make “the right final decision to success” until I understood that there is no such a thing. Playing safe is good, but it’s boring! And if you never leave your comfort zone, you won’t grow!

While among most of the journalists in Armenia arrogance is more common than their expertise, I almost intuitively choose to not to let my ego to get in the way of my professionalism, and sometime in the middle of my career I started from the scratch in a totally new field. And I love it, because it brings new ideas and absolute passion in writing, making me more confident especially in journalism. I feel myself a happy graduate student now with a chance to try the things that intrigue me, instead of the ones that I already know. And I also feel happy, because my sweet family not just tolerates, but supports me in my plans – not only literally supports me paying the fees for my downtown apartment, my living, my shopping, my Starbacks coffee, just everything… it would be naïve to believe I can make my living here with my modest salary – supports with believe that I’ll make things change. I feel happy with my best friends, side by side standing with me.

Now I know I didn’t go to Berkeley and didn’t accept that job offer, because otherwise, I would never open up myself for learning the meaning of every single word I write, which is what anthropology is doing. Everything happens for a reason! Life constitutes from our ability in taking hard choices and growing with them, because, as I said, while we are afraid of losing our socially constructed lives – we run a risk of losing ourselves!

My third story is about happiness. I was happy to love and being loved by the best man in the world! Literally the best man in the world! And I mean it! When he held me in his arms, the moments lasted for eternity, so the greatest passion, the delighting love and the absolute happiness lasted for lifetime… My womanly heart was beating from the excitement as if meeting for the first time and each time having one of the best things that had ever happened to me…

But I remember one sunny July afternoon, when the news told by my loved one on the other side of the phone just physically distracted me as women, and left only human in that body with universal understanding about good and important things to be glad to hear. I was standing and dyeing… Well, I could “behave myself” after all, but still I was asking myself why? Why me? “The vulnerability of happiness” some social scientists would call it implying to the fact that if one is able to be absolutely happy, he or she may also experience vice versa, sorrow let’s call it.

I read a quote somewhere in facebook recently, it was saying: “if you really love someone, let him go, if he will return, he loves you as well, if not, then, whatever…I guess I forgot what it was the closing point in that saying )) But really, that’s a simple truth, even if love has settled in my life, if he is there deeper there in my heart, I should acknowledge the freedom in love, and let it go… for the sake of love… let him go… And I know, that until my womanly heart is beating, there would always be a light for him to be back home! But its not what I’m trying to tell you here…

While the whole social system is teaching as to love our ego firstly as a “pledge” to be able to love others, I was granted a greatest feeling of ascending and transcending those social orders, loving him more than… more than anything in the world, sometimes even me. And if some would consider this as a weakness, I believe I had the greatest strength one could ever possess. I still have that strength! And that’s already a good reason for being happy! It’s not what you look at, it is what you see!

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